Single & Ready to Mingle

Ask yourself if you’re ready to mingle before doing so. Are you really ready to mingle? Have you ever seen the movie Swingers? If not, you need to watch it.

I know who I’ve been in relationships. The first time I meet someone I should be wearing a T-Shirt that reads: “Run away. Don’t walk.” Why? Because this chick has work to do before she can ever contribute to a healthy, monogamous relationship with another. For now, I think I will go to Ikea and buy a bamboo tree instead of trying to date.

Take the guy in Swingers, for example. He gets a girl’s number out at a club the first night he meets her. Then, he calls her repeatedly the same evening and leaves voicemail after voicemail on her answering machine until the tape runs out. His voicemails are so lengthy that the machine cuts him off on every attempt. He proceeds to call her back and explain himself. But what happens? The machine continues to cut him off. So he calls back. And on and on and on. You get the point. What I’m trying to say is I’m that guy. You’ve either done this or had it done to you at some point in your life. I haven’t the first clue how to date. In my previous relationship I got lucky because it was love at first sight. Our connection was instant. And yes, I do believe in love at first sight. But, the challenge is maintaining love. Without the proper tools it fades. We skipped the dating stage and lasted several years. But throughout the relationship, I played the same tape over and over again until it finally ran out. She was done. I was done. There was nothing left to give.

I like the phrase single and ready to mingle. It’s catchy. It’s cute. What is mingling anyway? Is it meeting someone new, charming them into bed, into their life and then, Bam! You’re stuck with them for at least the next one to five years.

Single and ready to mingle can be fun, but when a person says it, how can you really tell if they’re ready? I’m 32 going on 25 and this is the first time I’ve ever pondered this question. Hmm…newsflash captain obvious – if you have to question if you’re ready to mingle, chances are you are not ready. Most people are in such a hurry to rush right into that next relationship to take their next victim hostage that they don’t pause long enough to ask if they are ready, let alone heal from the previous relationship. Also, be careful if you’re playing around with those online dating sites. You never know. You might meet your next baby daddy in less time than you planned.

I like single. Just single. Single but not available. Because where I’m at right now, if I meet someone, and I did recently, who’s an amazing woman who actually knows how to date, it would look like this:

“Hi, my name is Heartbroken and I’m not over my ex. Let me tell you all about her and every detail. Then I will drive us to our second date in a U-Haul and ask you to spend the rest of your life with me. We can talk all day and night about every single feeling and process them together while making homemade hummus. When there is silence, I will ask you if you are mad at me. I won’t give you a chance to answer and I will then bombard you with a series of questions before you’ve had an opportunity to answer the first question. The series of questions as follows: Do you not want to be with me anymore? Was it something I said or did? Do I have hummus in my teeth? Did I leave too many voicemails? I’m really sorry but your machine kept cutting me off so I kept calling back to explain but I made it worse.” Phew. Had enough? Yeah, you get the point? For the love of God – do not ever do this. Never. Ever. Single and NOT ready to mingle. Enough said.

The lesson here – take time to get to know yourself before trying to get to know someone else. It’s better to be single than in the wrong relationship. You’re just going to hurt yourself and them.

—Jay

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