Dear Candice

Oscar Wilde said it best – “To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance”

Dedicated to Candice

Think of a stream with water running through it with no current. Now, imagine yourself swimming upstream against the current you created. I am sure many of us can imagine creating our own problems. I was the problem. Some people are quick to blame others for their problems. I know today that the currents in my life are the ones I have created. I produced them for myself and for her. I loved her despite myself. She loved me anyway.

The majority of my drama has been of my own making. People sometimes aren’t aware of the drama that they are in because they’re too caught up in their own bullshit (current) to see it. I’m guilty of this and anyone who knows me and is reading this is most definitely nodding their head up and down in agreement.

The best part about people who are drama is that they just bitch bitch bitch about everything wondering why they have so much drama in their life. And WHINE. Whine about everything. OMG,  just stop, save the drama for your mama and look in the mirror. You are no longer that little stream with a few little currents; you’re more like the owner of an amusement park operating the wave pool. What’s funny is you think everything is about you and cry regularly because Jane Doe deleted you from Facebook. Why you consider this Jane Doe a BFF baffles me because you guys aren’t even friends in real life. Half the time you think people delete you from Facebook when they’ve actually just deactivated their account due to their own drama. Ha! Come on, you know you’ve done this at least once. We’ve all done it. Don’t try and deny the fact that you thought one of your Facebook “friends” deleted and blocked you when really; they simply deactivated their account. Time to get real. Lesbehonest.

In all seriousness, regarding love and life – I was missing a key ingredient…self-love. I think it’s hard for people to love someone else if they don’t fully love themselves. See, the stream is my life. The water is me. The current is what I manifested while swimming upstream against the natural flow of life. At times it felt like a monstrous and considerably greater current than it was. Currents don’t have to exist.

Throughout my life, some of the currents have often felt like an undertow one could experience in the ocean during high tide unable to return to shore. It is only as of late that I’m aware of the undertow that I’ve created for myself. Self-awareness is another key ingredient. Otherwise, you are living a recipe for disaster dumbfounded why your life is a hot mess. The water was intended to be pure. It is for the most part. I believe we are all pure at the core of our beings.

How did I come to understand all of this? Love. Pain. Loss. Heartbreak. She was my greatest love and my biggest teacher. Sure, some may consider it a revolving door relationship, but boy did we try. We tried long and hard. Underneath all of the bullshit, we loved one another so very deeply. She recently told me I couldn’t possibly love her. I did. Very much. I still do. I always will. I loved her as best as I was capable. I told her some time ago if things didn’t work out, she’d always be the one that got away.

Who knows what forever really means anyway? But maybe, just maybe, nothing lasts forever. Or, maybe it does and it’s supposed to last as long as the forever you’re supposed to have with someone until forever runs its course. She saw me, the real me, better than I saw myself, and she loved me despite the current. But she was drowning and I was pulling her down. I didn’t know how to swim. How could I support us both out there in high tide when she was the air I was breathing as I kept going under pulling her down with me?

She couldn’t be my life-jacket anymore. She had to let go. She did it for both of us. I broke our hearts. I can see that now in hindsight but boy does heartbreak suck. It bugs the shit out of me when I hear people say, “It will be ok. Time heals all wounds.” But it does. It’s true. My heart is healing. Slowly. I’m learning. What’s most important is allowing yourself the time to do so. Time to heal. She’s forced me to dig deep enough within myself to find the answers because that’s where the truth lies. That’s the lesson. She’s changed my life.

I will never forget her. In the beginning she told me I renewed her capacity for love. You want to know why she has been so instrumental in my life? I’ll tell ya. Maybe I did renew her capacity for love. She should know she renewed my capacity for love too, more than words can ever express.

The lesson here – love yourself first. No one can be your life-jacket. Everyone around us is our teacher. Look for the lessons in everyone and everything.

XO,

Jay

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2 thoughts on “Dear Candice

  1. Great analogy Jay. I can relate. Very well written and a powerful message. You are right on when you say you have to be stable with yourself before you can be in a relationship. This is life…. We live and we learn.

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